....to not buy into this whole "coffee is bad" thing.

That's right! All you super hippy health nuts out there (you know who you are), get off your soap box and just let a guy get his fix! This morning I made the huge mistake of trying to walk around with the other underlings/contributing members of society without having my coffee first. From this experience alone it's become very apparent that I can't function without it. I know it's a sign of weakness, but Samson needed his hair, Popeye needed his spinach, and Keith Richards needed his heroin, so sometimes us superheroes just need our medicine. (From time to time I wear my underwear outside my pants, pretty sure that is the key factor in being a superhero. And if any of you evil villains think otherwise prepare to be smothered by my sidekick Sweetie McGee!)

I just recently found out that my old friend and keyboard player Travis Dillard's family is releasing an album of his songs. Travis was a great person, and an amazing musician, but tragicly passed away a couple years ago as a result of a horrible fireworks accident (not a joke). The album is called Out of the Ashes by Travis Dillard. http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=812517012298 Here is the link for you to go listen. By no means am I trying to sway you to purchase this album, just merely a reference for you to know what I'm talking about.

Travis and the rest of the guys in the band, like every band out there I suppose, had a great relationship when it came to songwriting. We would constantly tease eachother about songs when someone brought them to the band. It was a great way to cut the tension, and keep everyone from getting defensive about the criticism given. When I listened to this album I truly couldn't stop laughing. At first I felt bad for laughing at my friends work, but I remember him writing a ton of those songs, and the jabs we exchanged about them. He's a truly talented artist, and we lost what I think could've turned into a very influential musician in his death.

Since I'm getting all nostalgic, I'd like to share one of the stories I like most from being on the road. When you live on a tour bus, everyroom is your dressing room. When you're a 21 year old guy in a band who thinks he's pretty funny (rightfully so though, just ask anyone. I'm hilarious.......and humble) one of the old go to jokes is the fake strip tease. It goes like this. Usually one of your friends is on the phone or playing xbox and they start to hear you making the Bow Chicka Bow Wow, or Boom Tis Boom Tis techno beats. They know what's coming, but are trying their best not to laugh and stay focused on the task at hand. You get louder, and start what can only be described as the most ridiculous form of air humping you can think of and then gesturing like you're unbuttonging your shirt. (This is where you've got to sell it, a good air hump move can break the most serious of phone calls into instant laughter) Well what's great about living in a tour bus, and having a crazy hectic schedule, is that a lot of the times you're all getting dressed for the show at the same time. This provides a perfect stage for this joke except with the added hilarity of actually taking your shirt off for full strip tease effect. I'm telling you, you might be getting a little creeped out now, but guys, next time your bro is on the phone with his girlfriend or parents or better yet, Grandparents, then try this one out. Now that you know the move let me get into the story.

So our bass player Jeff Vandagriff (aka hillbilly goatlover) was playing xbox in the back of the bus. Yours truly kept his clothes in the back and needed to get changed because we were arriving at the venue. So like the "colossus of comedy" that I am, I decided to take this oppurtunity to play my favorite joke on the only member in the band that was 3 times my size. At first the usual hilarity, and then Jeff decided that it was about time someone put a stop to this joke once and for all. He picked up a syrup bottle that Travis had left in the back of the bus from when he had waffles earlier that morning (Travis I hope heaven has maid service buddy, because I know God won't be as nice as we were about you leaving all your stuff out!) Jeff proceeded in chasing me in circles around the back lounge of the bus threatening to uhhh......hmmm......how should I put this.......stick it where the sun don't shine. At this point my joke had gained the attention of all the other band members who huddled in the hallway to the back lounge to get a good view of their leadsinger getting some payback. Well even though I was severly out matched, in fear for my life or "virginity" if you will, I managed to get the syrup bottle out of Jeff's hands. In a desperate attempt to end the attack I heaved the syrup bottle through the hall towards the front of the bus so that Jeff wouldn't be able to get it. Being the young spry guys my bandmates were, they all managed to quickly dive into their bunks and dodge the flying plastic bottle full of mother natures adhesive. It was like a scene out of The Matrix, with flips and slow motion special effects. That is except for Travis. He managed to poke his head up and be the last one interested in what was going on just as it was time to duck. With laser like precision the bottle managed to nail him square in the lip. Travis took the hit like a real pro, flying about 5 feet back completely laid out, as if receiving a career ending uppercut from Mike Tyson himself.

It split Travis pretty good, but no real damage was done. However we spent the whole next week with all of our ribs aching from the amount of laughing done that night. It still cracks me up even as I write this to think about the fun times we shared, and to visualize the look on everyones face when Jeff came at me, or when Travis was the victim of horrible timing. I think I'll make a bigger point to tell a few more stories from those days. They really were some of the most amazing days of my life, and I couldn't have asked for a better group of guys to spend them with.

I hope you enjoyed the story, and if you knew Travis, that it reminded you of a funny story you shared together. I look forward to hearing from all of you tomorrow. However my mailbox is getting too full for normal postage with all the fan mail I'm receiving. I'm now having to pay extra or go by the post office myself to pick up the garbage bags full of fanmail. So if you would please just email me, or leave your comments here then I would really appreciate it. Thanks for understanding, and if you must send a handwritten letter with pictures of yourelf and beautifully wrapped gifts or home baked goodies then feel free. Who am I to turn away great fan mail. Thank you again and good night.

******PS****** "Super Sweetie McGee Fan69" your pictures are creepy and we've passed them along to the local authorities. We don't think you're a bad person, Sweetie is a beautiful puppy, but we all feel that you need to seek out a good counselor.